as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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