i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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