Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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