the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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