After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
