you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
