Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
