If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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