Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
