i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
sarcasm needs its own font
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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