I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
