EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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