ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
