first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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