A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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