Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
