quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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