So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
