Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
