so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I pour the whiskey from now on
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
