Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
