I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
