Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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