if only i could text you this smell
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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