New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
