we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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