I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
