she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
