Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
