Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize