My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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