maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
