Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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