Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
