My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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