the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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