glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It's official drugs can't kill me
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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