can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Randomize
