Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize