he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
