Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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