I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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