If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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