I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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