i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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