i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
