She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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