Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
