everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
