Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
