3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
In America we eat man semen.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize