I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
