i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
