I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
They took my balls.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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