I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
