upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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