I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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