last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
