Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
