You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
