Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Semen is not good for contacts.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
