You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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