Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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