he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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