Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
