I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
