I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
